Taking longer than I expected

It has been 12 days now since I came home from hospital. I knew that I had become very weak during my time in hospital. I did think that after a few days at home would feel more or less back to normal. After all I didn’t have any surgery this time. I was treated with intravenous antibiotics.

I am gradually managing to do slightly more each day but I wasn’t prepared for how washed out and frail I would still be feeling at this point.

I am still sleeping a lot. I’m nolonger in excruciating pain but still have some discomfort.

Apart from the extreme pain I experienced at the start of my hospital stay I had a complete week in stress from having awful diarrhea all day every day. I feel let down by the hospital because no matter how many times I asked for something to stop the diarrhea I wasn’t given anything. The diarrhea I was having was instantaneous. I didn’t have any warning. Thus in itself was stressful. Rushing to the toilet up to 30 times in one day. The frequency of bed changes that I needed. The knowledge that the staff were really busy and didn’t need. That extra work also played on my mind.

Once I was home again I took an imodium and another the next morning. Voila no more diarrhea until today. It is very draining when my body behaves this way. So I shouldn’t really be surprised that I have no energy.

I am taking iron tablets and using vitamin b12 patches so hopefully I shall start feeling more myself soon.

Weighing up the risks

I have been in hospital since Monday morning. (My first ever trip in an ambulance).

I have appendicitis. I have been in incredible pain since Saturday morning. Normally I would have had my appendix out days ago. I’m a complicated case. Taking Ng out my appendix is a risk of damage to other organs.

The dr keeps telling me every day that my blood tests show I am getting better with antibiotics. I keep telling him I am not getting any better. The pain is still just as bad.

Another Dr has just gone to look at the scan I had earlier. Hopefully they can then come up with a plan.

Relationships

A few days ago I went to have a look at a blog written by someone who had liked one of my posts. I started reading a post about relationships and letting God into your relationship. So many people give up on their marriage at the first sign of problems but if you let God into your relationship you can get over any problems you have.

This might upset some people but although I consider myself to be a Christian and try to live in a way that is kind to others. I do not actually believe in God. I kind of believe that there is something greater than us mortals but I’m not sure what. I digress. What I really want to say is that I think this philosophy that God will make your marriage work is a dangerous one.

It doesn’t take into account the many relationships that include abuse, either physical or emotional or both. It doesn’t take into account the marriages/relationships based on lies.

My first marriage was to a man who was what is now referred to as coercive controlling. I didn’t realise for a long time what was happening. It started with the dictates over what I wore. He didn’t like me dressing up to look nice. I ended up spending my time (outside of work) wearing baggy T-shirts, sweatshirts and baggy tracksuit trousers. Then there were the constant phone calls which, I now know, were not concern over how I was doing each day (multiple times) but checking up on me. If I was late home from the school run I had to explain where I had been and who with.

I was gradually pulled away from my friends. “They are using you”. When I eventually got a mobile phone the checking up increased. Even if I was with my mother the calls would be constant. In the end she would ask me to turn it off. If I had plans to go out, he would only arrive home at the very last minute to look after the children. Even having a part time job was difficult, I felt I was becoming unemployable because he often didn’t come home in time for me to go to work. That’s just a sample of what life was like in that relationship. I fail to see how this would have been helped by having God in my life.

My second marriage was not better, it was different. Again I don’t believe God would have made life better. When I met my second husband he knew that my first husband was an alcoholic and I didn’t want to travel that road again. It wasn’t until 6 months after we were married that I found out that he was a secret drinker. Our marriage was based on lies. I never would have married him or even gone out with him, if I had known he was an alcoholic. With my first husband his drinking was public. 18 pints of beer at the pub, any excuse for a drink. My second husband was home alone all day while I was out working. Now I know why nothing ever got done. He was sitting in his home office drinking bottles of vodka. No wonder he got through so much cash. No wonder he didn’t need to drink much when we were out.

My second husband is a narcissist, everything was about him, his needs, his wishes. His dislike of my children (he had promised to treat them like his own). He could never refer to them by name, to him they were ‘pond life’ or worse. I know this was a reflection on him not them. How would God have made life better when one partner is a narcissitic alcoholic?

These are just simple examples of the relationships I had with my husbands. There are many many people, not just women but men too who live in worse situations than I did. For them they need to get out of their situation not invite God to help them stay in it.

I’m not saying that there is not a place for God in marriages, just not all marriages. Some people would also find God helpful in their lives whilst they get out of their situation. God also has a place in helping people recover from those situations. I don’t think it’s right to say he can make every relationship work.

Just a short walk

I wish I could go on lovely country or beach walks. I miss going on long walks in the countryside particularly the New Forest. Unfortunately in recent years my ability to walk very far in one go has been impaired by a combination of pain and shortness of breath. Now that my recovery is progressing I aim to build up my strength. Three times this week including today, I have walked to the next road and back. I know it isn’t very far. Today’s walk was 0.58k which took me 8 minutes. For most people this would be nothing but for me it is an achievement.

In the last couple of years I have managed to get thousands of step in each day. These are done in short bursts never long stretches. My husband always complained that I parked too far away from the store entrance when we went shopping. I did this purposefully to give myself just a little bit more exercise. For many years now I have been monitoring my daily steps. This began when one of my son’s was training to join RAF. We would compare steps each day. Obviously he always did more than me but it got me into a pattern. Each day I would look at the lowest number of steps during the past week and try to beat it then try to beat the next then the next with the aim of always beating the previous day.

Recently I stopped doing this because I knew that my steps were not worth measuring. I am only going out a few times a week during lockdown and usually by car. Now that my car is not playing the game I am walking more. It hurts but I am determined to increase my daily weekly steps again.