Waiting

Last week I wrote about Abbie Greaves book The Silent Treatment and I was looking forward to reading her second book The Ends of The Earth. I finished reading it a couple of days ago. I would recommend it however it is a heart felt tale of love and pain.

Reading this book was bitter sweet for me. I enjoy Abbie’s writing but some of the characters took me back to my past. I’m not saying that these characters in anyway resemble me or my past. There are aspects of this sad tale which remind me of one of the bad times in my life.

Some people in my real life know bits of my story but I guess my mother is the only one who knows most of it and even so I didn’t divulge some of my truth until many years later.

When i was 20 I had been engaged for 2 years to M. After a falling out with his mother I was treated more like his mistress/dirty secret than his fiancé. Eventually I had had enough and broke it off. Some months later I began seeing A. He was an older man but we got on really well and he treated me so much better. He was serving in the army but we spent as much time as we could together. We had mutual friend that he stayed with at weekends.

At the time I had joined the Territorial Army in my spare time. I remember once being embarrassed when A had dropped me off for my weekly training. Someone commented about my dad dropping me off. Anyway it was t few days after my 21st birthday that I had been away on a weekend training exercise on Salisbury Plain. When I got back on Sunday night A met me at the barracks to take me home. He took me to our friend’s flat.

He wanted sex. I was tired, battered and bruised. I wanted nothing more than to sleep. He forced himself on me. I made it clear I wasn’t in the right frame of mind or body for sex. That didn’t stop him. I don’t remember how I got home, I guess A drove me. The following Saturday he came to see me. I told him we were finished. He was not happy. He raped me in my parents living room. I never saw him again for which I was glad. I never told anyone what had happened.

At that time police were not sympathetic and I knew that I wouldn’t be taken seriously, after all he was my boyfriend and this was years before domestic rape was recognised. Later I. The year I got back together with M. It didn’t work out, I had changed. Not only that but I found being alone with him difficult. I couldn’t cope with intimacy, I would always see the face of A looming over me. After several months I broke off my relationship again.

I found an ad in the local paper for a week in Austria traveling by coach. By this time I was 22 and in need of a break. I was travelling alone. Being one of the last passengers to catch the coach I had a seat behind the driver. During the long drive I got chatting to both drivers. Once in Austria we were split up around the village. If memory serves me right there were three of us staying in the house where I was staying.

Through out our stay there were events and trips each day. Most of the group were couples or groups. I was just me and often found myself with the drivers and our tour rep. Looking back I know that was a mistake. I was beginning to feel an attachment to the taller of the drivers C. We were spending more and more of our spare time together. Until I ended up spending the night with him. C was an older man (apparently I prefer older men), but younger than A. Amazingly when I was with C I didn’t see A’s face.

By the time I returned home we had swapped phone numbers. He had my home number and my work number. Whenever he was between trips I would catch a train to London where we would stay in cheap hotels. He told me he wouldn’t marry me but he wanted us to live together. I spent a few days with him staying with a friend of his. I applied for a job at his local airport.

Then the unthinkable happened. I hit a call from an older woman claiming to be his wife. S was 14 years older than him and he was 14 years older than me. I guess I will never know the real truth. C told me that he had married S to help her and her two daughters (my age). Every time he tried to leave her she cut her wrists or some other cry for attention.

For months I had to have my calls screened both at home and at work. S or her daughter would call me saying nasty things. I stopped seeing C. Then one night he arrived at my home saying he had left her. He couldn’t take it anymore. The next day we found a bedsit near to my work. That first week it was great coming back every evening to my meal cooked for me. The two of us together making plans. It wasn’t so great for C, he wasn’t used to being in a strange town alone all day with no work. It was his off season.

He told me that he had a friend in Norfolk who could give him work as a taxi driver Monday to Friday. He would be back at the weekends. He never came back. I refused to get upset. I couldn’t phone him, we didn’t have mobile phones in those days. After a few weeks I had a phone call from the Samaritans supposedly searching for C on S’s behalf.

I stayed at the bedsit until the end of our 3 month contract then moved back to my parents. While I was at the bedsit I didn’t see anyone outside of work and a few visits to my parents in the next town. I couldn’t give up on C, I couldn’t forget about him and move on. I needed to know where he was and what had happened. I kept my grief tucked inside me. I never cried, my health began to suffer.

I remember one day phoning my mother at work in a panic. I felt as though my life had collapsed, I didn’t know how I would get through the next minute let alone the next hour. I don’t remember what happened next but I got through the day. My work was suffering, eventually I handed in my notice. I knew I couldn’t carry on with my job in the state I was in.

I managed to persuade my Dr that I needed help but I didn’t want pills. He arranged for a councillor to visit me at home. Unfortunately he was about to change jobs so I only saw him the once. He told me that I was clinically depressed. We went through everything in my life that was making me feel so bad. That helped, just breaking it all down into different problems.

About a month later I got a job working in a bar then a job as an hotel receptionist. One afternoon on my way home I stopped at our local supermarket. On the way out I saw a face I never expected to see again. It was C. He waited for me to walk me home. As soon as I was home I ran to the bathroom to be sick.

It was 11 months since he had left me. He thought he could pick up where he left me. He explained that he had gone to Norfolk as planned but he had phoned home to check how S was. She was in hospital after another suicide attempt. So he went back to look after her. Now she was well and he was able to leave. I saw him a few times over the next couple of months.

I became pregnant, he said he was decorating the flat for S then we would be together. I lost the baby. Suddenly he was unavailable again. He did arrange to see me over the August bank holiday. Bizarrely I stayed with his younger step daughter and partner. We had become friends over the phone. She didn’t agree with how her mother and sister had been towards me. Anyway when I was supposed to see C it was S who turned up. I was suddenly very ill in the bathroom. Later we spoke and found that neither if us were the bitch we had thought.

Over the years I have wondered what happened to C and S. I moved on with my life. I met the man who gave me my four sons.

Abbie’s book was nothing like my story but it did get me thinking about it. I just remembered that one of my colleagues way back then once said to me. ” Your live life might not be happy but it’s interesting” . Thinking back on that comment I don’t know why she thought it was interesting.

There’s no helping some people

I have been talking to mother about care/nursing homes. She was saying that when my grandfather went into a care home and then a nursing home she didn’t give him any choice of where to go. She chose for him. Both homes were friendly and suited his needs and ours. I particularly liked visiting him in the care home although it was an hour drive for us.

When it was time for him to move to a nursing home we found one closer to us here. I was able to visit on my way home from work. I’m not going to say that he was happy there. I’m not sure he was happy. He was comfortable and well cared for. Unlike many of the other residents he still had his mind in full working order. He missed having anyone to talk to properly.

Mother has made a mental list of things she wants to take with her when/if she needs to go into a care home. She knows which paintings, books and music she wants and if possible her laptop if the home has WiFi. I have suggested several times in the last couple of years that maybe she should consider which homes would suit her otherwise she will be going where ever I find.

Talking of having WiFi reminded me of when my husband sold our marital home. He was 64 and having difficulty looking after himself and our home. I found a flat in sheltered accommodation for him. He checked it out and decided to buy one of the flats there. Not the one I found but another one.

The plan was that he would move straight from the house to the flat. Obviously he would have to sell/store most of the furniture. About two weeks before the planned move he had a meeting with the warden of the flats. This did not go well. Apparently they don’t have facilities for broadband which he needed for his graphic design work. They were also not happy that he wanted to work. (He hadn’t worked during our marriage).

I found him bed and breakfast accommodation to move into until he found somewhere permanent. Instead of a few weeks as originally planned he was there for 9 months. Finally finding a top floor studio flat. (Not ideal for someone who has frequent falls). He has now been in that flat for 2 years. The last time I spoke to him he still didn’t have any internet service connection. His ability to use technology is zero.

I don’t know if it is still the case but at the start of the year he had been having someone check on him weekly and meals delivered daily. He could have avoided so much hassle and be in a much nicer flat than the studio flat he now has if he had bought the original place where he would have had a warden checking on him.

Considering that he can’t use his computer. He can’t even get his TV working and he certainly doesn’t work. It would have been ideal for him. In a much nicer area and close to the town.

Even after leaving him I still did what I could to help him. I’ve stopped now.

It’s my birthday

This is my second lockdown birthday. My third non birthday in consecutive years. Tomorrow some of the lockdown restriction are being eased. A day late for my birthday. However we are having a family get together on Tuesday at a near by play area so that we can be outdoors and let my two grandchildren play. It will be interesting to see what they make of each other. My grandson will be 3 later this month and my granddaughter 18 months. With this pandemic they have not had much opportunity to meet. The last time I saw them both at once was our family christmas meal 2019. When my granddaughter was just 3 months old and slept most of the time.

This morning I have received many birthday wishes including one from an old friend I hadn’t spoken to for a number of years. We have had a long chat on the phone catching up with the changes in both our lives. I also had a video call with my granddaughter and her daddy. I can’t wait to see her on Tuesday.

Otherwise the day is not much different to any other day. I have been working on my new Avon Blog. I am treating us to some cider to have with dinner tonight.

Something I’ve wanted to do

This is something I have wanted to do for ages. Probably the last couple of years. I have gone as far as starting a new template a couple of times but found that starting a new blog is harder now than it was years ago when I began blogging. There are so many templates to choose from. The widgets and plugins are a minefield. Earlier this week I decided to alter a blog that I had started perhaps 5 years ago with my husband. It never really got off the ground. Trying to work full time and run a business at the same time as creating posts for a new blog became overwhelming.

Now though I have more time. I have converted my old blog to one dedicated to my Avon Business and Sunshine Team. I have over the last few days added a few posts for different products. I am also creating a new page for each group of products with links to individual product posts. There are links to my online shop and I shall be adding a link for joining my team.

Elliesdeals

On another note. I had visitors yesterday. No I’m not talking about birds or squirrels or even cats. My youngest son and his g/f. came to see us. Sitting at a distance and with face masks. The last time my son visited, He only lives 20 minutes away by car. Was back in July before my hospital stay. It was so nice to see them. Apparently it was very odd being on a train again after all these months. Sitting chatting felt almost like normal times.

Next week ( just after my birthday) I shall hopefully, providing that everything goes to plan. See my older boys and their families. I am so looking forward to seeing everyone. We are meeting at a local play area near the creek. The last time I saw both my grandchildren at the same time, was our family Christmas dinner 2019, when my granddaughter was 3 months old.

I just hope the weather is better than it has been the last few days. We even had a few snow flurries yesterday. Very unusual for here.

Happy Easter

It’s Easter Sunday. There is a small amount of chocolate in the house. Mother got me a pouch of maltesers and I got her a chocolate rabbit.

This morning I had a video call with my grandson who actually managed to talk to me. Usually I talk to his daddy whilst he plays with his toys or watches his cartoons. Hopefully if nothing changes we should get a chance to see them in person next week. I have his birthday present here ready to be wrapped. He will be three in a few weeks time.

I also tried to video call my granddaughter. Hopefully later I shall get through. I think her daddy must have been driving when I was calling. I have seen a photo of her and her cousin at the beach with their parents.

I have done more gardening. Planting seeds in pots. They are the sun at the moment in the hope of giving them some warmth. I shall bring them inside later as temperatures are due to plummet.

Yesterday I went to the car sales where my potential new car is. Due to covid restrictions I wasn’t able to examine it but I could look through the windows. We have arranged to talk to the sales man on Wednesday to go ahead with the deal.

On this sunny day

Apparently the lovely sunny weather of the last few days ends today. As from tomorrow it’s meant to be wet and windy for several days. This morning we had a couple of visitors. One being the man with the dog. The other being the gardener. The lawn got its first cut of the year much to the annoyance of the dog who stood at the window barking at the lawn mower. I went out this afternoon to collect and put out some Avon books. It was refreshing to be out in the sunshine. On my travels I made a small detour to pick up mum’s prescription.

Whilst we have had visits from the squirrels they have not been up to much mischief today.

I’m preparing to start growing some of my seeds ready to go out into the garden once we stop having frosts in the mornings. I don’t have anywhere suitable to grow them so I am going to use a tray on the dining table to put the small propagators that I have bought. I am planning to grow nasturtiums (they can go strait in the garden), california poppies plus 25,500 mixed flower seeds suitable for pollinators. I am also going to try some freesias and I have some out of date seeds that I am hoping will be ok. Larkspur, foxgloves and hollyhocks.

Last year my mother kept telling people that I had suddenly become a gardener! No mother, I have always done gardening in all my previous homes. I wanted a pretty garden and had nobody to do it for me so I had to do the gardening. When I met my second husband he was a part time gardener. I let him do 90% of the gardening at our home as I was working full time and he wasn’t. Just like I let him take care of our cars. He used to ask me why I didn’t check the oil etc. I told him that as he was a petrol head I would give him that pleasure after all if I had a dog I wouldn’t bark .There were many chores that I had stopped doing when I married him. I would tell him that it wasn’t that I couldn’t do these things but I no longer had to do them as I had him to do them for me (that was the theory).

Getting back to gardening. Last year, the weather was good during the spring. I wasn’t going out anywhere and wanted colour in a garden that is mostly mature shrubs so I set about filling pots and tubs with seeds. Because of my health I wasn’t able to do any heavy gardening. I still can’t do as much as I would like but hopefully I can do more than last year.

In January we had a new fence erected I have already hung coloured pots with individual polyanthas plants on the fence.

When will I see the sun rise?

This morning was my third attempt in the last week to see the sun rise. As yet even though my radio assured me this morning that the sunrise would be good it wasn’t. I sleep at the front of the house and the sun rises at the back. My mother sleeps at the back and gets the sun coming through her window in the mornings. For me to see it I have to get downstairs to my chair by the window before the sun is due to rise. No easy feat. Not only do I need to be awake at the right time but I have to negotiate my way around the stairlift. When the chair is at the bottom of the stairs it’s easy to get past. When its at the top I have to raise the foot rest and the arm rest then squeeze around it. I generally tend to go up first at night and down after my mum in the morning. Obviously I could go down in the chair itself and send it back up again but I don’t unless I am feeling particularly unwell.

Anyway this morning I rushed downstairs got myself settled ready to watch the wonderful colours wash the sky. With just minutes to spare my body decided to revolt. Causing me to dash to the downstairs toilet. As quick as I could I got back to my chair. The minutes passed, the sky got brighter and brighter. some of the trees were tinged with gold but that was it.

Late this morning I needed to take mother for an appointment at the Drs. When we were all done I decided not to go straight home. For the past year Mother has only left the house to go to medical appointments. I took her to look at the sea. Unfortunately although it has been a bright sunny day there was a mist over the water, so not much to see today.

A few days ago I put a handful of peanuts into an empty mealworm tub, with the lid loose. Yesterday I watched Roger remove the lid but instead of putting his head inside to eat the peanuts to my astonishment he grabbed the lid, jumped up on to the railing then up onto the fence before racing along the fence with the lid in his mouth. Later both Ginger and Biscuit found the peanuts and had an afternoon snack. Today I put a few more peanuts into the now lidless tub. After several attempts the squirrels had eaten the nuts. The tub being picked up examined and rolled around. To my amazement this afternoon Roger was examining the now empty tub. With great difficulty he managed to get onto the rail and then the fence with the tub in his mouth. He made slow progress along the fence but I have not seen Roger or the tub since.

It’s Friday

It hasn’t been a great week for me. I wanted to get my new Avon books out ready so I could put my first order of the month on early. I would normally pick up my first batch of books and hopefully orders on or around the first of the month. This month is different. In their infinite wisdom Avon decided to send out the march bonus books with the April brochures.

Now I don’t want my customers to miss out on the fantastic deals in the bonus book so I have been waiting for them to arrive so that I can get both books out together. They arrived this afternoon.

In previous month’s I would have picked up one batch of books on Monday then put out another lot to pick up today. My next lot would have gone out today for pick up next Monday and so on. This month however my first batch are only going out today. To make up for missing a week I shall have to put out and collect more books each time.

Although I am now recovered from my surgery I do still get very tired easily. I shall see what I can do.

As it is I have not been feeling great for several days so in a way I have been relieved that I wasn’t going out but that’s beside the point.

So today I have done deliveries. Come home to be here when my books arrived. Slotted them into the packs I had already made up. I have put out half of today’s books. Later I shall do a few more deliveries and put out a few more books. I know my customers will be happy with the 5 for £5 deals we have.

If you are in UK and would like to see these deals https://online.shopwithmyrep.co.uk/?rep_id=rep4563924386143

Earlier I was surprised to see a mistle thrush in the garden. I’ve not seen one here before.

What three words?

Recently I bit the bullet and joined twitter. I’ve found a few people to follow. I don’t really interact on there. I’ve left a couple of comments. My posts on here are automatically posted on there. I currently have zero followers but that’s no surprise. I doubt anyone even knows I’m there.

Browsing earlier I saw a tweet from someone I knew a few years ago.

What three words are you looking forward to saying when the pandemic is over.

For me it will be when I see my family and can say…

Let us hug

Life on hold

I have been wanting to write a new post for days now but what to write that has been the problem. I don’t have an exciting life to write about. I don’t want to be constantly writing about the wild birds we see in the garden (there are not that many at the moment).

I would rather not be writing about the ongoing saga that is my current marital situation. However I can now say that the house is finally up for sale and an open day is planned for this coming weekend. Although my husband has been feeling rather low recently he is now being much more positive.

Personally I am not really living, I feel that my life is on hold. I go to work (which although tiring I do enjoy). I return to the home I am sharing with my mother. I either read or sleep interspersed with conversations with my mum. Sometimes I manage to sort through some of the many boxes and bags that have been transported here to be stored around the perimeter of my single bedroom.

The big news of recent weeks was our outing to a Rotary Club Quiz night. Yes I know I really know how to live the high life. Our team came second (losing by just 2 points).

Next week I shall be taking two days off from my work. The plan is that I will drive with my mother to London where we will visit my son and his fiancee who I am pleased to say will be making me a Granny in May.

I have said for many years that I am not yet ready to become a grandmother as I haven’t yet finished being a mother. I know many of my friends love having grandchildren, for me it has not been something that I have been in a hurry to participate in. However I was beginning to worry that my sons were going to leave it so late that I would be too old to enjoy my grandchildren when they do finally arrive. Having four sons I do anticipate that I will have more than the one grandchild.

I am hoping that by the time the summer arrives I shall have sufficiently recovered from recent events that I will be in a better place mentally as well as financially to be able to start enjoying life again.

life on pause