When will it end?

What with all my poor health of late. I just wonder what life has in store.

I have numerous friends dealing with horrific health problems. No I’m not the only one.

Then last week my gorgeous, smart, loving daughter in law had surgery last week for an ectopic pregnancy. That would be bad enough but this was the second in under a year. Making this not only a tradgedy in itself but life changing for her and her little family. She so wanted a second child.

Several months ago I learnt that my best friend from school had lung cancer. If that wasn’t bad enough her brother died of covid at the start of the year. My friend and I had lost touch for a number of years when our children were young. In those days there were no mobile phones and no internet. I found her again through Facebook about 8 years ago.

We both had busy lives and always promised we would meet up again at some point. I had moved away from the area 33 years ago. Our communication was intermittent but we were still in each others thoughts. During one of our more recent communications I had promised that providing I was well enough I would make the effort to go and see her this summer.

Unfortunately it is now too late. My dear friend passed away peacefully yesterday morning.

Why is it that the good people in this life have to suffer so much.

Being in the right place

If I had been even a minute earlier or a minute later it wouldn’t have happened. I was out delivering Avon brochures to be picked up on Wednesday. It probably wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t mother’s day here.

I was just crossing the road, a black car was turning round. A quick glance at the driver, I thought she looked like a friend I hadn’t seen since before I moved away in 2012. I didn’t for more than a split second think it could be her. Once the driver waved at me I realised it really was my friend.

I’m amazed she recognised me but she did. We ended up standing at the side of the road chatting for about half an hour. I’ve given her my number and she has promised to call me when we are once again allowed to meet up. She was only in that place because she was visiting her grandchildren.

I am so glad we found eachother again. I have missed my friend and apparently she has been wondering where I disappeared to. Before I moved away to marry my second husband we were always bumping into each other. We first became friends when our boys who are now 30 were in junior school.

As I mentioned it has been mother’s day here today. Could it be a coincidence that when I was in Asda at lunchtime there were very few flowers left on display. We had a delivery of flowers this morning from my youngest brother for our mother.

All four of my sons have wished me happy mother’s day. From what I am told I have flowers and other gifts on their way. It is looking like mother’s day for me will be tomorrow. I don’t mind that. I don’t expect anything, just to be remembered is enough. I am their mother every day so to get flowers on a different day is fine by me. Who says we have to do everything the same as everyone else.

I’m not like them

I have often been told that I come from a long line of strong women. I am told that I am a strong woman too. I have memories of my Great Grandmother Alice but only as a very old woman. I have memories of my paternal Great Gran (mostly of having to stay with her and being fed undercooked eggs for breakfast). I understand that both these women were strong willed women in their day.

I obviously have memories of both my Granny and my Grandmother. My Granny was one of my favourite people in the world. I can’t in all honesty say that I knew a great deal about her life but I loved her dearly. She was taken away from us far too soon, She had a massive heart attack in the night when she was just 67. My Grandmother was a lady who I wasn’t so close to when I was growing up. I grew closer to her in her later years. How many women in their 90s complete a degree with the Open University.

My own mother has always been strong. My father wasn’t inclined/able to support us properly so my mother trained (whilst bringing up 3 teenagers) to become a Lawyer. Life wasn’t easy for my mother when we were small. She did what she could to make a better life for all of us.

During my adult life I have been reminded by my mother that we are strong women. I have been told by others that I am so strong. I struggled to bring up 4 boys whilst being married to an alcoholic. I survived stage 3 cancer in my late 30s. I fought to get through a nasty divorce. I managed to keep myself and 4 boys going through financial struggles following my divorce. Then I remarried and found myself hitched to another alcoholic who was also a narcissist. I managed to get out of that situation.

All my life I have been reminded that I am strong and come from a line of strong women. I’m not though. I have never felt strong. I have done what I had to do for my boys. I have always felt that I have to get through everything because I come from a line of strong women. I can’t let the side down and be the first non strong woman.

I want to be allowed not to be strong. I want to not have the responsibility of keeping up with my strong women.

WHY do I have to always be strong?