I can do this

I know it’s been a long time since I posted here. I did write a number of posts that just never made it to the publish stage.

2020 has been a strange year for everyone so far.

I started the year having a rough time health wise. I was  on one course of antibiotics after another.  In mid February I got the news I had been waiting for. 6th March was the date I would have my much needed major surgery. My energy levels had run down quite a bit so I told most of my Avon customers that I would be out of action from the end of February.  I put myself into self imposed isolation. I didn’t want to run the risk of catching a cold or anything else before my operation.

10 days prior to my surgery date I had my pre op appointment. A blood test revealed that I was severely anaemic. I would need to have an iron infusion before I could undergo any surgery. The date of my operation was pushed back to 3rd April.

I had been struggling to get into the right mindset and now had to do it all again. I wasn’t afraid of going under the knife. It was the thought of the pain and possible problems during the recovery period. It would most likely be a number of months before I could get back to life as it should be. (I won’t say normal because my life has not and will not be normal, it will hopefully be improved).

Then Covid-19 happened. Everyone was told to stay at home and only go out if necessary. It was announced that most surgeries would be cancelled from 10th April to allow for the Covid-19 crisis. Great! I should be starting my recovery by then and looking forward to going home. A week before my new operation date I went to the hospital for my Iron Infusion. It was really weird going to the hospital. There were security guards on the doors making sure that only those who needed to be there were there. The usually bustling corridors were empty. I made my way to the day surgery unit. All the usual obs were done and I was being prepped for the proceedure. The nurse looking after me went off to get the prescription but came back with the specialist nurse who I had corresponded with but not previously met. She explained that my surgeon had had his theatre time taken away because of the coronavirus epidemic. I was sent home. No Iron infusion.

I settled down to lockdown. My life became a round of knitting (for two little girls, my baby granddaughter and her little cousin). Reading, playing games on my computer, growing seeds and looking after my mother who has mobility problems. All the time Keeping my Avon business ticking along slowly. I could have gone all out to grow my business whilst being stuck at home. However I couldn’t get my head into the right space to do so. I have done a little to keep going.

In some ways I have enjoyed the lockdown. I didn’t have to feel guilty for not doing much. I did find it hard not being able to see my grandchildren. Neither of them live locally so visits take a fair bit of arranging. Luckily I had spent a little time with both of them in February. Finally I got to have a socially distance visit with my granddaughter and family a few weeks ago. She is now 9 months and crawling. The last time I had seen her she was just 4 months old so lots of changes since then. My grandson turned 2 in April. We had a family zoom to celebrate but its not the same as being there.

As time went by and the number of Covid-19 deaths started to go down I started to panic. When will they be able to start doing the operations that had been cancelled? Would I be classed as urgent or pushed to the back of the queue. Should I be getting myself mentally prepared for this operation that I am terrified of having? According to reports that I have read and heard it could take a year or two to catch up with the backlog. I was beginning to fear that I might still be waiting until the end of the year and possibly next year.

Most of the time that we have been in lockdown apart from a lack of energy my health has been better than it had been. I put this down to being at home all the time not rushing around. In recent weeks though I can feel my condition worsening. As the days and weeks pass the amount of time that I feel rough is increasing. I don’t say anything just take pain relief when I really really need to. I have been finding recently that it is getting harder and harder to be the cheerful optimist that like to be. It isn’t all the time but my spirits have been flagging which is not like me.

My GP phoned me yesterday following the results of a test. I have yet another infection but the best antibiotic for this particular infection is only given intravenously so not going to happen. I now need a further blood test to see where my iron/blood count is. She wrote to my surgeon last week to remind them that I should be a priority. If I don’t hear from them in the next few weeks she will write to them again. I spoke to her about my fears that it would be months away. She told me that I should be an urgent case, my condition is very complex.

In the light of that conversation I am trying to be positive and think that I won’t have long to wait. I am planning to get my hospital bag repacked . I still don’t want this operation but I know that I need it. The sooner I get it over with the better. I can and will do this. I have been through so much in my life and come out the other side so I can do this.

If I was Boris I would be creating a new mantra

I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS

Being nice isn’t wrong

I have been thinking about my life. I wouldn’t say that it has been a bed of roses but there have been moments of joy and I have people on my life that  am grateful for. I have a loving family and supportive friends.

When I was between marriages I was given a book to read. why men love bitches

I tried to take the advice given in this book but eventually I came to the conclusion that if I took this advice and behaved accordingly, yes I might meet someone but they wouldn’t know the true me. It wouldn’t be easy for me to be anything but a nice person. I always think of how the other person would feel if I acted in certain ways. I don’t want to be a bitch in order to get what I want. I need to be true to myself. If others don’t want me because of that then that is their loss not mine.

In the last year I have gone through a tough time especially the last few weeks. I’m not saying that the time before this last year was not tough also. However it is the last year that I am thinking about right now. I am not going to delve into what has been going on, those who know me already know anyway.

What I am thinking about is that when people like myself have a tough time with the people around them, basically get treated badly for being a nice person. The general view is that the person being treated badly is in the wrong for allowing others to treat them as a door mat. I guess that people like me are thought of as being too weak to stand up for themselves.

I can’t speak for others but for myself, I don’t view myself as weak, I am actually fairly strong. However I do try to be a nice person, there might be rare occasions when I fail. Some people in my life have not treated me very well. I might never forget but I do try to forgive. I do my best to treat others as I would like to be treated. I know that many will think I am wrong, I shouldn’t allow myself to be treated so badly. I do not deliberately allow myself to be treated badly. I just try to be a better person by responding with kindness.

I do think there is something wrong with society if people who are kind to others are looked at as being wrong. In my mind it is those who treat others badly who are wrong not those who are treated badly.

The journey

I have not been on here for a few weeks, firstly life in general was getting in the way. Then I set out on a journey that I had never expected to take. I couldn’t write about it at the time but now I feel that as that particular journey has reached its end, I can now write about it after the fact.

The journey was a personal one involving my work. If inadvertently I offend anyone involved who might happen to read this. Please know that no offence is intended. This is merely my stance on the journey that I took.

I work in an office (not huge but it has doubled in size in the 7 years I have been there). In the department I work we have a Manager, Supervisor and four staff (one p/t). Recently our Supervisor applied for a more senior position in another part of the office. He was successful. He had been in his present position for many years. For some years now I have covered for him when he is on leave. At first the were many discussions behind closed doors. Would a new Supervisor be appointed or would his responsibilities be divided between those of us left?

I gave much consideration as to whether I would want to be the new Supervisor if one was needed. I knew that I could manage the work, but would I want the added responsibility, the added pressure? Now, I like and admire the Manager of our dept, however, she does have a trust problem. She doesn’t trust anyone else to do anything without her checking it. I happen to know that she admires the way I come in and get on with my work without having to constantly ask questions. For this reason I was unsure that I would cope with her constant questions and interference.

This said I told myself that, I still have 15 years before I can retire, she only has 3. Would I be able to manage 3 years? Well maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as I anticipate. On the other hand do I want to stand still for the next 15 years, doing something I have already done for 7 years.

This morning I saw this which I felt was rather apt.

F E A R I chose to do the latter.

When the time came I duly prepared my CV (the first in 7 years), I took my time getting it exactly how I wanted. (printer problems included) but finally it was ready.

I handed in my CV not knowing who else was applying. Then I found out that there were three of us to be interviewed, myself one of my colleagues and an unknown person. We had a week to prepare a 10 minute presentation on our ideas for setting up Telesales within our office.

Despite knowing that my manager and I have a mutual liking and respect for each other, I knew that this was going to be a one horse race, and I was not that horse.

Knowing that a) I’m not the right horse, b) I have never in my life had to put together a presentation. c) I am totally clueless when it comes to setting up and or running a telesales operation.

I thought about doing the first … forget everything and run. I could take the easy option and withdraw my application. I could sentence myself to another 15 years of not progressing. Don’t get me wrong I have enjoyed my job, I have been very lucky in that respect but the last couple of years things have not been quite the same and I can feel myself becoming stale. I don’t get the same job satisfaction that I did have.

I am not a quitter so I took up the challenge, I decided to face everything and rise.

I made discrete enquiries, I sought advice from anyone I felt could help me. My evenings were spent on google searching for relevant information. My weekend was spent putting together my presentation and going over and over what I wanted to say, until I was happy that I had done the best that I could.

My Interview went well, I was nervous but managed to keep my composure throughout the hour I was in there. I was feeling good in myself that day, I had made an effort with my appearance and felt good both on the inside and out. There was nothing more I could do.

I had to wait days before I found out whether I had reached the end of my journey or was I about to start an even bigger journey. When the news came that I had not been successful, I was fine with that. I was probably more relieved than anything. My journey had ended but the main thing was that I had had the courage to make the journey in the first place.

Going on this journey has made me realise that I need new challenges. Maybe there will be other opportunities for me to shine. Perhaps there will be other challenges for me to rise to, I am not afraid. The next time a new journey presents it self to me I won’t be afraid.