Trust

This not the kind of thing I would usually write about on here. Today I am making an exception.

Trust is a very important part of a marriage.

As much as I love my husband and will do whatever I can to support him in anything he does.

He broke my trust within months of us getting married.

In the past week he lost his driving license due to drinking then driving. He didn’t drink much just two pints but two pints meant he was twice the legal limit. It was the second time in a matter of weeks that he had been arrested for the same crime. Lucky for him the first time he was only 2 points over the limit so he was let off with a lecture. He didn’t learn the lesson.

For 20 years I lived with and was married to an alcoholic, I knew he was a drinker but tried to make it work, it didn’t. However in all the years we were  together he never made a secret of his drinking.

My current husband drinks secretly.

If I had known I wouldn’t have married him, only an idiot puts themselves back into a bad situation after escaping the original one.

I didn’t know and I did marry him. I do still love him but I don’t trust him. I am not about to walk out on him just yet, I will give it my best shot to make it work but at this moment I do not trust him. He will have to work very hard to win back my trust if he wants to keep me.

He has been offered professional help to reduce his alcohol consumption
I don’t have a problem with taking him for the occasional pint but I won’t encourage him by offering.
What I do have a problem with is him drinking in secret

last night he decided to go for a walk around the block to get some fresh air> this was a little odd as he had come out with me earlier in the day but had spent most of the time in the car as his legs were not strong enough to stay on them for long. Anyway he went out, but returned 2 minutes later as he had no cash in his pocket.

‘you don’t need cash for a walk around the block.’

‘I like to have cash in my pocket.’

‘you don’t need cash unless you are going to buy vodka’

‘I just like to have cash in my pocket and I am not getting vodka, stop saying that.’

He then went out.

He wasn’t gone very long, we had dinner and watched tv, he went upstairs about  10.30pm and didn’t return. When I went to bed he was in his office with the door shut.  I thought about going in to say I was going to bed but decided against it. When I woke up at 3am he still wasn’t in bed so I went to find him. He was still in the office but lying on the floor. He had no explanation, I did ask if he had fallen again. He said no, he would come to bed in a minute.

I finally heard him come to bed at 4.50am. He then started a conversation that showed he had no idea of the time or any memory of the previous evening. (Skater had brought a friend home to stay, for the first time. )

I asked him about why he had been lying on the floor he didn’t know but he said that the clock had moved to a different wall. The pinboard had moved to  a different wall. His computer had also moved to a different wall.

When I got up this morning the first thing I did was go into his office to search for the bottle.

I found it almost immediately in the inside pocket of his jacket. There was also a pile of wet clothes on the floor.

I can cope with him drinking if I know that is what he is doing, heavens I am used to dealing with the aftermath of drink.

It is the lies that hurt and make me both angry and sad.

update

2 good things have come out of this.

a) I have had a lot of supportive messages from family and friends who have read this. It has made me realise how much I miss my friends.

Sadly in the year or so since we moved here none of us have made new friends apart from a few people at our favourite pub but as we no-longer go there or at least not recently, it is time to make new friends.

b)Today I have made the decision to join a club or society. I have looked online and found the local writers circle. I have just sent an email and hopefully I shall be able to join this group and fulfil 2 needs at once.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just feel I want to find somewhere to curl up and hide from everything.

Just when things begin to get back to normal something happens to slap me back down.

I have been very lucky to have a job that I enjoy. Currently it is becoming depressing. I am sure it is only temporary.

After 12 years in remission I am now back to hospital visits and examinations.

After spending a year without a driving license, my husband has decided to foolishly throw it away. He goes to court next week.

After months of being unwell and beginning to get back to normal we are back to short term memory loss issues coupled with falling over problems.

 

But hey tomorrow is another day.  🙂

Lost and found

For a long time after we moved I went through boxes and boxes of papers looking for one thing. I remember taking it from the mantelpiece in my old house and putting it somewhere safe where I could easily find it because I knew I was going to be needing it.

Once we had moved I couldn’t find it. I searched and searched but to no avail.

Last week I sent off the documents to change my driving licence to reflect my new address and now my new name. I tracked the package and found that it was delivered to DVLA  on Thursday. On Saturday evening we were turning the office upside down looking for something else, when I checked one of my box files there it was sitting on the top. I had found it just a few days too late. If I had found it sooner I could have saved myself £20. The paper part of my driving licence. Years it had sat in the drawer then moved to my mantelpiece but when I wanted it, I couldn’t find it until 4 days after I had given up searching.

We have been looking for the most recent MOT certificate, but now that our car is at the garage awaiting an MOT tomorrow I expect we will find the lost certificate this week.

You should know that……..

I wish I had never told him that now.

Owl often asks me about things I have no memory/knowledge or interest in. Then he says you should know that ……you were in the military. It could be anything from what bullets a certain gun uses, the type of camouflage that is being worn, various military vehicles.

I wish I had never told him that at the tender age of 20 I was a part time soldier.

No I don’t remember my service number. Yes I know that military personnel are supposed to remember their service number until the day they cease to exist in this world.

I am sorry that I do not remember these things.

I was in the Territorial Army (TA) for a whole 6 months (if that).

I remember the plain green uniform we wore, I remember the evenings spent partly in the drill hall and partly in classrooms.

I remember the pain of running in boots that were a size too large for my size 3 feet, being dragged across the line by the sgt who helped me pass the fitness run in basic training. I remember having to struggle out of a tent in the middle of the night for my stint at keeping watch while on a training camp. I remember the rations we ate. I remember the gas mask training and the resulting sore eyes.

So as you can see I do remember some things about my time in the military. I remember that my reason for joining up was the lure of the assault course.

But I don’t remember everything ………it was 30 years ago!!